The older we get, the less we are sure of things...maybe because we have seen so much and seen so many exceptions to those "rules" ingrained in us by parents, societies, religions that everything is fully right or wrong..that nothing is fully right or wrong anymore, there is always room for explanation. Decisions are circumstancial and so it is very scary and harsh to be judging others as right or wrong.

However, in America, I have found that people consider "opinion" to be a sign of strength and wisdom. Funny enough, after finishing my master's program I was more confused about Hollywood and had less opinions than I had going in. Maybe because I am still in the breaking apart and putting it all together phase.

Maybe that is what it is. You are born, you are young, you seem to know an answer but you are challenged based on inexperience, so you defer to life, to experience things and then come to the same conclusions you came to when you were a child...but in the process, since you broke everything apart and tried to figure it out, people see your "same" answer as different as you paid your dues, you jumped through the fire.

How unfair, how inefficient, but these are the ways of the world. We judge, we force ourselves through unnecessary, inefficient pathways to justify our credits, our talents and our achievements. These are checks and balances for society...necessary but taxing and wasteful at times.

Also, maybe life is just never enough time to break it apart and put it back together again so maybe that's why children can see things much more clearly than adults...

Certain people thrive on feeding off other people's energies. I might be one of them or I might be one of the energy dissipators. I leave that to you to decide.

There are those who just keep giving and giving. These are the talkers or the lifes of the parties or the leaders or the performers. Everyone seeps in their energy and keeps taking and taking and taking...

Sometimes, giving all the time can lead to an energy crisis and then what is even worse is that there is no supply but just demands from everyone for the crisis to be over without any offering of energy or life to help it get over.

Some of the "takers" recycle the energy they have been accumulating and just when the performer crashes, they shoot for the stars and make it...whilst the performers keep watching...in vain

Another catch is that performers can only take from other performers and when they engage in an exchange of energies, powerful sparks occur. This can rock their worlds but it is something they need to do...a necessary evil and everyone, for the sake of their lifetime supply of energies, should just back off and let the sparks fly...it is risky but the highs can be worth it at times!

It is tiring to perform at all times. Every once in a while, it is good to sit back and just take...

You know, I really wonder why life brings us to certain people, certain places and certain events. We are supposed to process them and somehow either "just live" and move on or actually stop and pay attention to the coincidences and miracles and make a conscious note and effort to address them and include them in our future.

In LA, I feel like the rush of getting through every day, making sure you have done every single file check for your boss and made all the calls and texts to keep up with the friends and family and then done the daily self-protecting rituals be they prayer or beautification or just simple "significant other" time...I feel all this takes away from the energy I need to process my raw experiences, to stop and pay attention, to smell the roses and maybe also pipe them to my creative vision. I know this is a common problem stated in a complex form but this is how I feel...

Massive amounts of signals with numerous "coincidences and miracles" are flashing and telling me to majorly reposition my life.

I never supported her or her party but in some sense I always supported her for being a brave woman. Some say she was stupid and not brave to have gone back to Pakistan. I recall saying something to that effect as well and maybe after today's incidents, that statement might ring true to some but I can tell you that after today, I have started respecting the woman. For whatever reason she came to Pakistan, she did not have to, she came to support some, to lead some and she came knowing her life was in danger. I respect her because I have a long way to go before I can call myself even a speck of that show of bravery.

In 2003, I met the lady at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. I secretly got into the VIP room to stand in line and shake hands with her despite the fact that my family and my relatives mostly did not like her political party or her or what they had done in the past. I stood there because I wanted to be around such a "brave" person. I clearly remember saying that and I did shake her hand and my heart did pound. She was strong as a rock, daring as a cheetah and her eyes seemed to pierce right through you. I was scared or maybe I was in awe.

Today, Benazir, by the horrid way your life had to end, I wish you peace in eternity and I wish your family and friends, especially your children and your husband, the patience and strength to bear this loss.

I wish my beloved country to somehow become peaceful and hopeful and I wish the perpetrators to see a just end.

Amen...

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon...

Hey everyone

So there are two "Eid" celebrations, which literally means, happiness, in the Muslim calendar. The first one is after Ramadan, the single most well-known Muslim tradition that the world knows. The second one is after "Hajj" or pilgrimage which a lot of people outside America know pretty well. Actually, you probably have seen what it looks like...thousands of people draped in white sheets circumambulating the sacred black mosque, known as the Holy Ka'abah, in Mecca.

That is the mosque that Muslims pray towards five times a day. It used to be the holy mosque, Masjid Al-Aqsa, in Jerusalem but now we pray towards the Ka'abah.

The Ka'abah is the single most important monument for Muslims today. It is our identity, our soul and our resonance. It is where we become one.

I have been lucky to have visited the Ka'abah multiple times in my life and the impact I had upon seeing it the first time...I was seven.

A huge brick cube with huge black velvet drapes embroidered with arabic written in pure gold thread with a sea of people moving in unison as if bonded, connected tied together. There was fear in me. It was the closest symbol to Allah I had ever seen. Something physically representing divinity...since Muslims are not supposed to have idols or physical representations of God, it is sometimes challenging to focus one's concentration on praying to the Almighty...but the Ka'abah, makes it much easier, in my opinion. We are supposed to imagine the Ka'abah when we pray..this is why you probably see the Ka'abah on some praying mats.

Anyhow, Hajj is the once in a lifetime pilgrimage that every Muslim who can afford it by way of health and wealth is supposed to make. It is one of the five pillars of Islam, the other four being:

Tauhid or belief in the unity of God
Fasting
Prayer
Charity or zaka'at.

In terms of the exact exercise, I took some help from Wikipedia since I haven't done it myself...yet:

Each person would walk counter-clockwise seven times about the Kaaba, the cubical building towards which all Muslims pray, kiss the sacred Black Stone on its corner, run back and forth between the hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah, drink from the Zamzam Well, go to the plains of Mount Arafat to stand in vigil, then proceed to Muzdalifah to gather pebbles, which they would throw at a rock in Mina to perform the ritual of the Stoning of the Devil. The pilgrims would then shave their heads, perform an animal sacrifice, and celebrate the four day global festival of Eid ul-Adha.

The rest of the Muslims around the world celebrate the animal sacrifice with all their counterparts in Mecca. Hence, this is the infamous bloody "eid" where we sacrifice animals.

This was my favourite Eid back home as I would go with my father to pick our goats and then feed them and take care of them and yes, watch them get slaughtered. It is to resonate the feeling that Ibrahim (Abraham) felt when he put his son to sacrifice for God. It is hence encouraged to buy the animal a while before the day to get attached and hence justify the term "sacrifice". One goat per person or one cow per seven people is the usual. You are to offer sacrifice when you start earning. I believe it is beyond a specific amount of earning too.

I still haven't had my first Eid sacrifice animal through my own income and I haven't spent Eid with my family since 2000.

Eid Mubarak Mama, Daddy, Aishaji, Amni moti, Raiyaan, Neemu bhai and everyone else...eid mubarak!

A couple of weeks back, Tim told me that we should go hear Asra Nomani, the lady who hosted Marianne and Danny in Karachi, at Caltech. She was doing a talk on "Women's struggle in Islam". Obviously I was super excited. Without having the time to read too much and having watched "A Mighty Heart" and havign a lot of respect for the lady, I showed up to the talk...might I add, one of the most relieving instances of religious dialogue I have had in a while.

A couple of months back it was Khuda Ke Liye that made me finally realize that it was ok to have that whole "questioning" struggle stage with religion and now Asra.

What tripped me out is that she has become more famous because of her stance of women's treatment in mosques and credited for her "Rosa Parks-style activism"...if you are wondering why that is trippy...please read my earlier post.

This woman spoke exactly my language and used my logic....it was "comforting" as she put it...to see others who think and reason and question like you...

So ever since I came to this country, I tried to attend mosques on Friday prayers every week but that went down to just once a month which went down to just on the two Eids in the year.

Everytime I go to a mosque, I get frustrated by the focus on the details of the process rather than the process itself. Are you wearing nailpolish or not? Are you covering your jeans-covered butt with a dupatta or not? Are you making sure you lower your eyes infront of the men or not eventhough these same men might check you out right when you step out of the mosque or you might be frank pals with one of them who you sit together, hi-five and chat with outside this "pretending galore".

I know of a number of women, myself inclusive, who are scared to go to the mosque, not of Allah (which is what should be the only concern) but of other people's judgmental looks, comments and sighs. It is so fully unfair because these people are taking our right away to go and pray in congregation in a mosque, that is a PUBLIC house of Allah.

When I go to a mosque, I only want to think of God and pray to him. I don't go to socialize or check anyone out. The other day, I went to a mosque in Brooklyn which had a horribly enclosed praying area for "sisters". I was fully covered and standing behind the men in this area but I really wanted to see the congregation and the calligraphy on the walls. It made me feel more in the "zone". Whilst I offered some extra prayers, this oh-so-caring gentleman thought he would do a good deed by drawing the curtains and shunning me back into the lonely ugly four walled room. I said "I am fine." but either he ignored or he just did not hear. I steamed and drew the curtains again. But by this time, I was pissed off and scared that someone else would do the same thing again and I would blast them. Point: My whole focus shifted from praying to defending!

For what? Women don't have to be in a separate room BEHIND the men, CURTAINED off...they just have to be behind the men..either these men don't know this or they are more focused in sending me to heaven than themselves.

Super disgusted...I don't want to give up but I feel that mosques are turning Muslims away...why can't they focus on the prayer/worship aspect and be a little easier on process. I know of Muslim women who have gone to a church or mandir instead to appease the want of congregational prayer. They feel more accepted their rather than in their own Islamic halls of prayer..how sad...

I wish people would radically change their behavior and make Islam more "welcoming" like it should be rather than "strict, harsh and intolerant"...kind of like people who think if they lead boring strict lives and don't laugh, they are on an accelerated path to heaven...

Also, this "Islamic Cultural Center of NY" which is so well-advertised that it is on the tiny NYC maps alongside all the amazing museums of NY is nothing but a simple mosque. Now, whoever would read "cultural center" and whoever put this in NYC, that is recently even more sensitive to Islam and Muslims, should have used this opportunity to educate and present to people. I bet you a lot of tourists and interested parties go to this facility and are turned off by Muslims. Not well kept, no reading materials, historical facts or a display in this "cultural center". Oh please, just call it a mosque if you cannot live up to the fancy title. Don't raise people's expectations and then crush them...don't waste an opportunity of doing some extra good for your faith and for the people who follow your faith...

And yeah, mosques are not only made for MEN, they are made for MUSLIMS, which shockingly includes women as well!

You know what I just realized these past couple of months since I came back to LA. I realized that really, even the closest of the closest people I have known and whom I thought knew me inside and out, don't really know me...I say that because sometimes, when they are surprised by an accomplishment or achievement or disappointed by the lack of thereof, I wonder, didn't they already see that coming?

It made me scared, because it made me realize that I basically have to prove to them, prove to everyone what I can or cannot do because they don't really know what to expect...as they have shown it by their surprise or awe or sigh, recently.

I have realized that only I know what I am capable of and that is a hard one..because in order to materialize something which I know I can do, I have to be constantly positive and focused and strong and BELIEVE...that's the hard one because every now and then, when you lose a bit of faith, you look to people around you to restore that back into you but now that I already know that a lot of these people don't really know what to expect from me anyway, any of their consolation becomes hard to fully trust and accept.

Wow, I guess I am on my own...maybe because I didn't communicate well enough to anyone to help out in the storms...so that when the tank up there goes blank and confused, someone else can say, "Iram, right here..." But I don't think that's it, I am beginning to realize, no matter how well-informed you keep everyone around you, their understanding of you depends on them more than you. People who care to know me, know me in a first blink and others, don't know me in a decade.

It is scary to know that you can only depend on yourself...somewhat strengthening and somewhat jolting...

Yes, I get annoyed at the commercial reference or creation of the phrase "henna tattoo"...henna is also known as mehndi and I prefer calling it mehndi but too late, it is all over the west as "henna tattooes"...there is one stall on the Santa Monica pier where they just put ink on wooden blocks with etched designs and sell it for $5 or $10 or $15...sigh...

Applying "mehndi" is a "sunnah" where sunnah means the sayings or doings of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). He used to apply this plant dye to cool his head or to his palms or feet for soothing himself. This plant dye or "henna" was basically the leaves of the henna plant, dried, crushed and made into a henna paste and then applied. The paste would then leave its colour once it dried crisp on the applied surface. Then it would be scraped and some sort of oil would be rubbed on the surface to keep the darkening effect of the colour stronger.

Usually the colour lasts two weeks if the mehndi is of good quality. Nowadays though, people are impatient and want to put the dye on for a short time and get the best colour and so a lot of chemicals are added to the paste to make it literally black in colour once washed.

Mehndi is applied on happy occasions, for instance, weddings, eid and parties. Girls apply patterns traditionally on their palms and on their feet. Brides apply it all the way from their palms to the elbows and from their feet to their shins. In some Muslim cultures, even the males apply it on their hands but in solid patterns, like taking a bit of the paste and splattering it all over one's hand.

Some old people also use mehndi as a natural hair dye and that explains those strangely reddish orange beards in the muslim world.

"Mehndi" is also the name given to a ceremony during weddings in Pakistan that signifies a singing and dancing event where the bride is usually supposed to be decorated with mehndi (though in most cases, she gets that done at a beauty parlour the night before her wedding!). Sometimes it is done for the man and for the woman separately and sometimes the "mehndi" event is held for both together. It is the most fun night of the entire mehndi with lavish flower decorations and singing competitions and dance performances and the "aunties" applying symbolic mehndi on a leaf placed on the bride and/or bridegroom's hands.

Eid is in a week and I am looking forward to applying mehndi on my mother and sister's hands and of course all over myself as well. My favorite thing is to get a nice, thick, deep-coloured arm band on my right arm!

But yes, it curbs my desire to get a permanent tattoo because I like this deep brown colour more than the traditional tattoo colour and also because it is temprorary and so if I don't like it after a while, I don't have to worry about getting it removed or when I am old, I won't worry about my tattoo sagging with the rest of my skin! Also, mama would absolutely not talk to me if I get one!!! Apparently the whole piercing and deforming one's body is very un-Islamic.

For the LAST time, I am clarifying this horribly wrong assumption that is made by both sides. Whenever, in a film or just on the street, someone wants to tease an Indian Muslim about loyalty..they will call him a "Pakistani"..as if it is a swear/curse word.

Similarly, in my country, whenever someone will want to say, he is hindu..they will unknowingly use the word, "he is Indian"...I mean, how horrible I feel for Indian Muslims who are neither on this nor on that side..when people like the Pakistani cricket captain makes an India-Pak cricket match sound like a Hindu-Muslim war by saying, "This is my message to wherever the muslim is.."..what the hell? How offensive for a Muslim like Irfan or Yusuf Pathan in the Indian team..are they not Muslims? What's with the elitism that Muslims only reside in Pakistan or that shalwar kameez is the only "muslim attire".

Bull shit.

Similary at the Wahgah border, I was outraged when this uneducated cheerleader chanted, "show the non-Muslims you are Muslims"..again blurring the lines between nationality and religion. He wanted us to chant religious slogans rather than Pakistani slogans like they were one and the same thing...I realize this country was made in the name of Islam but today there are non-Muslims who reside here and more than that, there are Christians, Jews, Parsis, Sikhs, Muslims AND then Hindus living across the border so how can we say that everyone on the other side of the gate is a "non-Muslim"...again, blurring the lines between and Indian and a Hindu.

I realize that the majority on either side is Muslim and Hindu but people, pleaaaaaaaaaase...be sensitive...separate religion from culture and nation...life would be a lot more clearer, peaceful and ACCURATE!

Kind of how I get pissed when people say, "You are not Punjabi..you are Muslim." Gosh! You need a refresher course in the difference between one's divine choice and one's geographical location! How hard is that exactly? Seems pretty straightforward to me!