Very often, for being honest and straightforward, (even on demand for being honest) I have gotten the following vibes:

"She is too busy/cool/good for you."
"What a bitch?!"
"Who asked for her opinion"
"Wow, she thinks she is so smart."
"That is so not true. She is just saying that to make you feel bad."
"She thinks too highly of herself."

I cannot fathom why people get offended if you are genuinely busy and excuse yourself for not being able to deliver on something rather than faking it, committing to it and then not delivering anyway because you were so busy in the first place and you knew you couldn't deliver but you continue to lie to make them feel content and dream on even though in the heart of heart, even they know you are busy...am I making any sense?

So then, it seems like the system is set up to bruise and burn the truth-tellers even on the simplest levels of daily life. But I protest...I will try to keep myself from the fakeness as long as I can.

In this town, we, or better yet, even you would rather that we give you a sugar-coated poison pill than point to a jar of poison pills and warn you...because in the end it is not about you or your agenda or your dreams, it is just about getting you out of the way but still keeping you in and around just enough so that tomorrow, if you are someone we might NEED to know, we have access...

...so play with the bone, my dear puppy!

This post is dedicated to Kenny who urged me to quit complaining and write a bit.

Young, mid-twenties, blond haired woman: “Two for Slumdog.” Old white man in his Southern accent: “Hi, I would like four seniors for Slumdog Millionaire please.” I heard old, young, white, black, brown, most people in this long holiday line at an indie theatre in Pasadena chant for the latest “Danny Boyle” flick. What about Slumdog is different, is new, is so catchy that Hollywood is responding in such an unexpectedly devout manner? Is it A) Danny Boyle B) India C) Bollywood D) The new hip thing to do or E) All of the above. I wonder if Jamal Malik would get this answer exactly right.

I saw the film at a Fox sneak preview and was also enlightened by a not so enlightening Anil Kapoor who could only rave about his correct judgment (or rather his son’s correct judgment) of his participation in the film. Let’s just say that any detailed thought was just not within reach of his inspection of the film which, amongst other things, melted a childhood hero in front of my eyes.

During the last month, just silently observing filmmakers, peers in and out of the industry reacting to Slumdog Millionaire, I have been wondering what exactly about the film has translated to the West. I had a couple of control cases, what if some unknown director from India directed the flick; would it be as much of a sensation? Well, maybe they would direct it in Hindi and work with actors who subsequently were more accurate in their dialect and depiction of slum people. It would certainly be more “authentic” but would it be more popular? Clearly, by now you can guess that I think not. Danny Boyle, who I admire to the core as an adventurous filmmaker, clearly has the pull and the built-in fan audience to create the seed audience for the film and clearly his involvement is what has caused the initial snowball to form, the other factors which I will mention later, were in my opinion the grease for the snowball effect.

Hollywood is vastly interested in Bollywood these days. Whether it is Will Smith’s Overbrook investing or Yash Chopra’s Roadside Romeo cooperation with Disney or the Ambani-Spielberg-Dreamworks venture, there is clearly a foresight in the business titans of LA that India has and will be a big player in the movie business owing to the die-heart loyalty of film fans. They thought that Hollywood would probably not replace Bollywood films in India in terms of popularity, so why don’t we stark taking a bite out of the Bollywood industry, whether it is Saawariya or Singh is Kinng or Chandni Chowk to China Town? Smart I say. So the occasional eruption of the Bollywood or Bombay or Mumbai or India or Hindi or Yoga or Ashthram effect is clearly surfacing and resurfacing for the American audience and so here comes a film indulged in just enough authenticity of the “true” Bombay and just enough of a Bollywood style in terms of the love story and the shockingly much appreciated end credit song gag and just enough of logic to make it digestible to a self-taught and more knowledgeable audience, and boom, the volcano erupts, the fireworks are unleashed!

With the right timing, the right ingredients and the proper distribution plan, Slumdog Millionaire is easily this year’s favorite holiday cookie. It might even find itself an Oscar nomination or wow, even a win. Not to say that it is the best movie of the year, but clearly the most popular because by this time all you young ones hopefully know how the world, the industry, politics and its ranks work.

And for the few of us who wished that exhibition dollars aside, the film was in Hindi or Dev Patel worked a bit more on his accent, who cares. It is not about being perfect, it is about delivering at the right time with mostly the right ingredients and you have a happy film cast and crew, a happy studio and a happy American family returning from the theatres chanting, “Wow, I never saw that side of Mumbai, I guess they keep that away from the tourists.” To which I thought, “Taj to the dark limousine to Goa to the dark limousine to spas and yoga and massage to the dark limousine to the airport will certainly make you miss that side of Bombay…but then again, who cares and who is listening anyway!”

- health and respect and love
- not my loved ones in pain or illness or death
- more "change" from Obama
- less of Pakistan in trouble
- less violence all over the world including the Congo, Zimbabwe, Palestine, Kashmir, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya, France, every---freaking---where...you get it? :o(
- more tolerance and co-existence
- apologies and long-lasting reunions amongst estranged friends and family
- more time to relax and be with myself
- more expression of feelings all over
- more opportunities to get paid directing
- less STRESS
- more moments with my mother
- healthy and not fighting parents
- my nephew grow up to be a healthy and happy boy
- my personal challenges resolved
- my first feature get moving!
- a nice professional meeting with Shah Rukh Khan!

So I heard Mr Bruce Hoffman, Georgetown's counter-terrorism expert talk about how after the Bombay attacks, "we will be studying the terrorist methodology" in West Point and we have to RETHINK the whole terrorism planning strategies because they have surprised us.

My questions are:

- What the **** have you been doing with all this defence money and wars and military and intelligence if the terrorists still take you by surprise every single time?

- It is like their plan is working and they are putting the entire world to war, making the entire world spend on defence and research as they continue to move ahead and strike while we are too busy talking and strategizing and pointing fingers in all wrong directions.

- There was also mention of counter-terrorism has to rethink strategies in nuclear and biological warfare and the Obama administration will have to think of "germ warfare". Is this really what we have evolved to? Is this really what we have spent so many resources on to develop machinery to go out into space, discover life on Mars to end life on Earth? We the humans...the "so-called superior" race are going to self-eliminate our brilliance, our achievements. Oh, let's learn to clone beings, let's do stem cell research to save people so we can kill them with germ warfare!!!

- All I can see if there is a potential Indo-Pak war (which would break my heart as I love my country and respect India and Indians many of who are an integral part of my life), is that the enemies of both countries will conquer..yet again...whoever they might be, Islamic extremists, Hindu extremists, Jewish extremists or extremists period.

Why then can we not rise above this finger pointing and really think who is to gain from all this? Neither country, right? Or are there some possible gains which anyone is welcome to point out to a blind and disillusioned Iram this morning?

All I can see is that whatever this terror beast (which disheartens me is using the name of my enlightened faith) is WINNING every time.

After 7 freaking years of bloodshed and war, America has still not defeated Islamic extremism in Afghanistan (well that's because daddy Bush needed to take personal revenge from Saddam and distracted the whole wild world from the issue at hand again). What about all those innocent people, those young soldiers (many of whom don't even personally agree with all this anymore) who die and those brainy experts who sit and analyze these political acts day in and day out? Do you not also feel fooled like I do every morning? Do you not think there is a bigger plan at work which none of us are explained? Do you not feel there is a BIG BEAST behind the curtains laughing at the way we react and the way we are destroying our own incredible races?

I mean the Pakistani taliban chief, Behtullah Mehsud (who in the news was dead a couple of months ago!) resurfaces to tell Pakistan to shift its army towards the Indian border as the Taliban will ceasefire to sit on the sidelines and the bleachers and cheer on this war? I mean it is INSANE...doesn't anyone else see the absurdity? How can enemies just "peace out", call a "timeout" and talk about something entirely separate but not call "timeout" to talk about their matters. It is all such a DRAMA! How can al-Qaeda declare in the news that we did or didn't do this attack but when it comes to finding them, we are at loss...they access us all super easy thanks to ITech but we can't use all our tech to access them. There is such an ironic chaos yet organization in everything. I am going insane with the ironies!!!

When airlines get stricter, a terrorist plants a shoe bomb
When the entire world's shoes are taken off during security checks, they start mixing fluids to make bombs
When the entire world is not allowed to take a deoderant or perfume on board, they figure something else out!

They are clearly AHEAD and we are nipping not even at their heels. What then I ask will further war and escalation achieve but give them victory after their so called sacrificial deaths? Go on, let's give them more victory, let's make them win even after we feel we have defeated them by killing them which in their eyes is personal and spiritual victory anyway...

When this race started, I was not a big fan of Obama or his Pakistan-bashing statements. I voted for Hillary and still would if it were between him and her. However, once she was out of the race, I started paying more attention to him and started seeing the impact he had on people. The frequency of his voice, the stature of his hands, the posture in which he stands, the words he selects and the sincerity in his eyes, which are all refreshing and infectious. Plus I would support him anyway because he is democratic and the better choice between him and McCain.

A lot of political commentators say that Obama seems like a boring man behind closed doors, away from the crowds, despite his charisma and public pull but he seems to be a man of sensitivity, intelligence, goodness (as much as a Politician can) and realism.

Yesterday, I was at the Pasadena Hilton with 800 people in the room screaming at the top of their lungs. They cried, laughed, yelled, danced, sang. They were white, black, Indian, Chinese, Mexican, women, men, children, old, young, gay, straight, Republican, Democrat...all colors, all shapes, all sizes and all dates...and they were happy, surprised and jubilant.

It was overwhelming and I couldn't stop my tears from streaming, my heart from beating fast and my hands from trembling. I had an internal smile. Quiet. Just observing, just taking it all in. Just grasping it all to relay to my generations beyond.

What was especially interesting was the renewed confidence I saw in every black person I saw in the room. It was personal to them, it was a "Now, talk to me!" sort of confidence. I had mixed feelings about that simply because I do not think Obama represents the African American sensibility of most African Americans who have the history of slavery on the back of their minds. He is half black and that too African more than African American (since his father was African). Yes he is American by his generation but the way he looks at Black America I feel, is slightly different from the African American friends and colleagues I know. So instead of making this just a win of race, let's make it a win of his person and his values and morals.

When we walked out of the hotel party, there were five African American men, drunk and dressed in a thug-like manner, personalizing his victory which again got me a little confused. Obama is up there because he is him and because he is not like you, I felt like saying. Being Black is just one of his characteristics and I hope that his being up there inspires you to be more like him or more like a lot of educated, polished, well-behaved black people I know of. I felt like saying that but of course, race is sensitive of an issue. Being a colored person myself, I do understand that and being Muslim and being discriminated against, I understand that a lot. Trust me...

Of course we cannot overlook the race aspect but today I wish we could congratulate Obama on his win not because of "the skin of his color but because of the content of his character". Let's not make this a personal victory over just race but over morality, viewpoint and hope.

Hey Everyone

So I have finally come by someone who is doing grass roots work in Pakistan that I trust and want to help. Her plight is that starvation and the lack of ability to feed oneself and one's children is the root cause of crime and depression in society. Her turning point in life was when she heard of a woman who had to kill her two children and then herself because she was unable to provide for them. Just imagine the plight of a mother...how desperate must she be.

In the month of this blessed Ramadan, I am starting this task to collect however much money I can to buy flour for Ms Parveen Saeed's Khana Ghar (Food house) and deliver it to her personally if I can, the next time I head to Pakistan (insha'Allah).

I am not making a group and inviting people as I don't want people to feel forced to do this but just think, even if you can donate a quarter or 50cents, I will take it.

$1 will feed 30 people once a day!

This woman is doing a remarkable deed in a time when our governments should be addressing these challenges.

Unfortunately there is no direct donation on their site but feel free to contact them directly. However, if you want someone you know to physically take their donation to them (which is how I often feel and which is why I am undertaking this), please contact me. Their website is:

http://hasan-saeed.com/

So either email me at parveenshahproductions@gmail.com or just facebook me or just mail me a check or give me your donation when you see me in person.

For checks:

Iram Parveen Bilal
120 South Chester Avenue, Apt # 6,
Pasadena, CA, 91106

Thank you for your time, positive energy and your donations.

Bless you all and bless people like Parveen who still inspire hope in this world.

The older we get, the less we are sure of things...maybe because we have seen so much and seen so many exceptions to those "rules" ingrained in us by parents, societies, religions that everything is fully right or wrong..that nothing is fully right or wrong anymore, there is always room for explanation. Decisions are circumstancial and so it is very scary and harsh to be judging others as right or wrong.

However, in America, I have found that people consider "opinion" to be a sign of strength and wisdom. Funny enough, after finishing my master's program I was more confused about Hollywood and had less opinions than I had going in. Maybe because I am still in the breaking apart and putting it all together phase.

Maybe that is what it is. You are born, you are young, you seem to know an answer but you are challenged based on inexperience, so you defer to life, to experience things and then come to the same conclusions you came to when you were a child...but in the process, since you broke everything apart and tried to figure it out, people see your "same" answer as different as you paid your dues, you jumped through the fire.

How unfair, how inefficient, but these are the ways of the world. We judge, we force ourselves through unnecessary, inefficient pathways to justify our credits, our talents and our achievements. These are checks and balances for society...necessary but taxing and wasteful at times.

Also, maybe life is just never enough time to break it apart and put it back together again so maybe that's why children can see things much more clearly than adults...

Certain people thrive on feeding off other people's energies. I might be one of them or I might be one of the energy dissipators. I leave that to you to decide.

There are those who just keep giving and giving. These are the talkers or the lifes of the parties or the leaders or the performers. Everyone seeps in their energy and keeps taking and taking and taking...

Sometimes, giving all the time can lead to an energy crisis and then what is even worse is that there is no supply but just demands from everyone for the crisis to be over without any offering of energy or life to help it get over.

Some of the "takers" recycle the energy they have been accumulating and just when the performer crashes, they shoot for the stars and make it...whilst the performers keep watching...in vain

Another catch is that performers can only take from other performers and when they engage in an exchange of energies, powerful sparks occur. This can rock their worlds but it is something they need to do...a necessary evil and everyone, for the sake of their lifetime supply of energies, should just back off and let the sparks fly...it is risky but the highs can be worth it at times!

It is tiring to perform at all times. Every once in a while, it is good to sit back and just take...

You know, I really wonder why life brings us to certain people, certain places and certain events. We are supposed to process them and somehow either "just live" and move on or actually stop and pay attention to the coincidences and miracles and make a conscious note and effort to address them and include them in our future.

In LA, I feel like the rush of getting through every day, making sure you have done every single file check for your boss and made all the calls and texts to keep up with the friends and family and then done the daily self-protecting rituals be they prayer or beautification or just simple "significant other" time...I feel all this takes away from the energy I need to process my raw experiences, to stop and pay attention, to smell the roses and maybe also pipe them to my creative vision. I know this is a common problem stated in a complex form but this is how I feel...

Massive amounts of signals with numerous "coincidences and miracles" are flashing and telling me to majorly reposition my life.

I never supported her or her party but in some sense I always supported her for being a brave woman. Some say she was stupid and not brave to have gone back to Pakistan. I recall saying something to that effect as well and maybe after today's incidents, that statement might ring true to some but I can tell you that after today, I have started respecting the woman. For whatever reason she came to Pakistan, she did not have to, she came to support some, to lead some and she came knowing her life was in danger. I respect her because I have a long way to go before I can call myself even a speck of that show of bravery.

In 2003, I met the lady at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. I secretly got into the VIP room to stand in line and shake hands with her despite the fact that my family and my relatives mostly did not like her political party or her or what they had done in the past. I stood there because I wanted to be around such a "brave" person. I clearly remember saying that and I did shake her hand and my heart did pound. She was strong as a rock, daring as a cheetah and her eyes seemed to pierce right through you. I was scared or maybe I was in awe.

Today, Benazir, by the horrid way your life had to end, I wish you peace in eternity and I wish your family and friends, especially your children and your husband, the patience and strength to bear this loss.

I wish my beloved country to somehow become peaceful and hopeful and I wish the perpetrators to see a just end.

Amen...

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon...